Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
how long have you had this for?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee