I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
You Might Also Like
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
men are simple creatures
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*