I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
love pickles so much i put myself in one
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.