Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I think this should do it.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents