Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Breaking news:
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.