not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
wtf is a larm clock?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
this FaceApp is creepy af