I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.