No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
#Caturday
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.