{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
this came to me in a vision
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Miscakes
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”