Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this