My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…