You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”