Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The three genders
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast