The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next