Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Care for your back
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese