a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
You Might Also Like
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.