My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.