Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
True freaking story!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that