I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
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Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here