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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish