An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today