Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.