Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.