I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Flock of bats