[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.