#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
You Might Also Like
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Somebody’s lying.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter