[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.