Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.