Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Mhm.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Schrödinger’s cookie
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.