1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.