I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me recordaron éste meme
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.