The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You Might Also Like
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I’m awake but I object,
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Its a hippotatomus
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.