joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.