Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.