“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
😍😂🥰😂😍
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.