Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4