Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys