I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I feel attacked.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen