A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.