Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Weirdos gonna weird.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”