Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this