I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Genius idea!!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.