I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
NASA has no chill
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Always 🥴
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”