I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“You drive, I’m tired.”
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.