[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
You Might Also Like
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
12. I think about this all the damn time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*