OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.