HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.