Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids