do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I’d love this…lol
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”