[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Banking tips
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
smartest karate player in the world
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle